


Garden of Chaos

by hereliestheempireofdeath



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25462375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereliestheempireofdeath/pseuds/hereliestheempireofdeath
Summary: Planting a garden should be easy. Just add water, seeds....and a Chaos Emerald?
Kudos: 5





	Garden of Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> Do not take any of this seriously

“Good morning, Shadow!” the flowers sang.

“Good morning!” he replied as he skipped out the door, then suddenly remembered he had an edgy persona to put on. He frowned and shot lasers at anyone who happened to be passing by.

For months he had been waiting for the vegetables to come up, and at long last they were nearly here. He couldn’t forget to water the little pond he had – the fish loved to take showers. One in particular, which he had affectionately named Shadow, Jr, slid out of the water and across the grass, doing the Macarena the whole way.

“Yippee ki yay, bitch,” the fish said. “Where are those damn vegetables? I’m trying to be a vegan but I fucking can’t until they come up.”

“You have to be patient. All good things come to those who wait,” Shadow said.

Shadow, Jr flipped him off and did a backflip over the fence. “I’m taking your car to Starbucks. If the police come by later don’t answer the door.” 

“Joke’s on you, that’s not even my car.”

He went on to water the plants and then feed the rest of the fish before going back inside. “I wonder what’s on TV…oh _Say Yes to the Dress_ is on, my favorite.” Shadow laid on the sofa like one of those French girls, but then remembered the snacks. 

He did a pirouette into the kitchen, whistling the theme song to _Sonic X_ as he opened the cupboard, not expecting to see who was inside. “Luffy? What are you doing here?”

“Fixing to see your new vegetable garden, of course,” he said. “By the way I ate all your frosted cupcakes. Wasn’t easy to find in all the shrooms. You've been holding out on me, man, could've had some fun times!”

“My shrooms are exclusively for emergency mental breakdown purposes only. Also Junior took your car earlier, might wanna get back to your place and clear out all the evidence.”

Luffy leaped out of the cupboard and crawled across the ceiling to the door. “Shit, thanks for telling me, man! Peach is gonna have my head when she finds out about this!” He kicked the door down just for good measure.

“Not if Mario has it first when he finds out you’ve been with his girl,” Shadow muttered as he got his snack of coffee beans and returned to the TV.

-

Shadow, Jr returned five hours later, carless and carrying a carton of cigarettes. “Have a good time down at the Palomino?”

“You bet. Should’ve come, I saw Archer there, and that skunk and Marsh. Had some great food, too.”

“Nope, Ryuko is the only girl for me.”

The fish scoffed. “Weeb.”

“Drunk bastard,” Shadow retorted. “Go take a damn shower, you stink.”

“Whatever.”

-

At long last, the hour in the day had come when the vegetables would appear. Shadow skipped outside again, this time humming a tune from a Barbie film. “What shall I pull up first? Hmm, what about the carrots?”

He grabbed it and yanked upwards, not expecting at all to see a Chaos emerald in the food’s place.

“What the fuck?”

He tried again with the next few, but they all produced the same emerald.

“Oh, I see. The leprechaun is playing a prank on me again.” Shadow looked around, but saw no sign of him. “Ah, he must still be off in Guatemala chasing that centaur.”

Then an idea came to him. “It must be a sign from Poseidon! Unable to use water to communicate, he has spoken to me through the blue emerald.” Shadow got down on his knees, leaning closer to the gem as if to hear something. “Yes, your mightiness, whatever you bid of me I will do.”

After a few seconds, he sat up and glared at it. “Giving me the silent treatment? Well, I can do the same!” Pulling a baseball bat out of nowhere, he whacked the emerald into the air and watched it sail over the fence and straight into the neighbor’s window.

Which unfortunately happened to be owned by Foghorn Leghorn.

“I say, boy, I say, that’s a mighty rude thing to do to a neighbor,” he yelled out the window. “Didn’t your folks ever teach you to play inside?”

Shadow started to cry. “I never had any.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry, son. Carry on about your day, and here’s your ball back.” The emerald flew through the air, Shadow ducking on instinct and watching in horror as it went into slow motion, shattering his glass door.

_“No!”_

Foghorn grimaced. “Sorry about that too, son. Don’t know my own strength sometimes. I’ll help you fix it, though.”

“No, it’s okay,” Shadow said, already dialing 911. “I have the government on speed dial.”

Someone a street over shouted, “If you’re here to investigate my taxes, do the old lady across the way first! She’s a billionaire!”

-

“Thank you for calling Verizon. How may I help you today?”

“Yeah, my screen door is broken. I need you to fix it.”

“I’m sorry, the person in charge of that department is out at a Pokémon Go meetup today. I can direct you to the manager of free delivery service, though. Buffalo wings and a root beer, all on us.”

“Sure, that works.”

Shadow went back inside to wait, making sure to take the emerald. It didn’t take long for the food to arrive. He decided to be generous this once and gave them a 24k gold piece. “Keep it, I have a thousand crates of the stuff in the basement,” he said.

The man looked surprised. “Hey, so do I. Just got the last model at JC Penney’s last week.”

“Really? I get mine from Nordstrom.”

They talked for a few more minutes, then the guy took his leave. Shadow went back outside, looking closely at the emerald. “Why did you come up instead of the vegetables?” Noticing that the sun had already set, he decided to let it be an issue for tomorrow. “Junior better not have died in the shower again.”

-

The next day was still the same, only it was a green emerald this time. Shadow had the same reaction as before.

“What the fuck?”

He stared at the emerald hard. “If you’re not the leprechaun, or Poseidon, then what in the hell are you?”

It gave him the silent treatment again, and Shadow was half tempted to knock it back into Foghorn’s window, but he didn’t want a repeat of a broken door either. So he settled for using it as a prism. _I_ _t is the perfect display piece to use while I do yoga,_ he thought. _It reflects the rainbow so prettily…almost makes me want to break out into a spontaneous musical number._

And he did. Luffy came by after two hours of singing, so he sadly had to stop.

“Hey, man, you still got those shrooms?” he asked. “Peach wants me to take her to the opera, but I can’t stand those things. I need a distraction.”

“Just get them at Walmart, they sell them there now.”

“But those are like two thousand dollars! You have them for free!”

“I told you, they’re for emergency mental breakdown purposes only. Go look somewhere else, I’m tired of always having to bail you out.”

“Name one time.”

Shadow just stared at him. “The time where you thought it was a good idea to get high then jump out of an airplane? And then Sully convinced you to overthrow the president of Russia? You’re _still_ on their hit list, by the way.”

“It’s been ten years!”

“Wait, have we really known each other for that long? Fuck. What am I doing with my life?”

Luffy crossed his arms, though they ended up getting tangled as usual. “Spending it with me, obviously. You’re my best friend.”

“No, _my_ best friend is someone who doesn’t waste time with weed and clubs.”

“You mean that Sanic guy? Last I heard he disintegrated himself when he challenged the Flash to a race. Couldn’t handle going light speed.”

Shadow held a hand over his heart dramatically. “And what a tragic end it was.”

“…Hey, so can I – “

“ ** _No._** Now get out.” Shadow resorted to using physical force. “And you’re paying for the door later.”

Luffy complained as usual, but left without further incident. The hedgehog returned to the garden, inspecting the ground but saw nothing out of the ordinary. He looked at the emerald again. “Just what are you hiding from me?”

-

The next three days were the exact same. No food, only emeralds. He was starting to get a little tired.

“I wish I could consult Rouge,” he said to himself, “but she’s on vacation in the savannah.”

“Yo, bitch,” Shadow, Jr said from behind.

“What?”

“Did you stock up on Coos Light yet? Got some friends coming over soon to play poker.”

“No, I didn’t, you freak of nature. Why don’t you make yourself useful for once and check the TV to see if I remembered to record the latest episode of the Kardashians?”

The fish flipped him off again. “At least tell me you got popcorn.”

“That, I do have. But check the TV first.”

“Fine, asshole.”

The rest of the day continued as normal, Shadow too preoccupied with his uninvited guests to think about his garden. It was only when midnight came that he was reminded of it, in the strangest of ways.

It started with a bright light outside his window, coloring everything green. “What the fuck?”

Not bothering with shoes, Shadow ran out into the backyard only to see the Master Emerald floating there in all its brilliant glory.

_Congratulations,_ it said. _You have successfully passed my test to ensure that this is a good spot to grow new emeralds. For the past five days, I have been watching and waiting for this moment._ Shadow was speechless, not quite comprehending what he was hearing.

_I must also congratulate you because –_

“Shadow!”

“…What?”

He slowly opened his eyes, trying not to squint at the fluorescent light above him. “Where am I?”

“In the hospital,” Rouge answered. “You were hit by the train after our target threw you off the roof. You’ve been in a coma for five days.”

“…I don’t remember that.”

“The doctor said you might not. But your injuries are all mostly healed, we were just waiting for you to wake up.” The door suddenly opened, Rouge perking up a bit. “Oh, the doctor’s here to discharge you.”

When he saw what was on the other side, Shadow really did feel like crying. It was the Master Emerald.


End file.
